I (K)New

I love Psalm 42.

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God. For I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you for the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me—a prayer to the God of my life. I say to God my Rock, “Why have You forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?” My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God?” Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

Today, I want to write about a particularly busy season of my life.

Life threw me many curve balls with my kids… one now lives with me full time. I got re-married to a great guy. He is more than amazing, but just like any husband, he takes time… and needs attention… and I have to make sure he gets good meals (he’s a grown ass man that does a fine job taking care of himself… but hey, I am a hospitable wife).

With a husband and children comes the need to share my space with more people, more often. For someone who had grown super independent during the single-mom years, it was a new road that I had to re-learn. And of course, when there are people always in your space, they expect you to talk to them… about one thing or another.

I got a job working outside the home. And the kids turned into teens that have many many activities and friends; so I became an “Uber service” as well. Oh, and of course, we were involved in church and I mean if you are involved in church, you have to prove that you “serve” God by showing up to the events, and volunteering and serving the congregation…. Because if you don’t, are you truly a Christian? (that was sarcasm, btw).

Also, on top of all that, I am in graduate school…so is the hubby (along with his full time job).

This season had me going so much that I did not have time to spend “devotional time”. I just didn’t. It’s not because I didn’t want to. Trust me, I wanted to have just 5 minutes to get before the Love of my Life. But, I didn’t.

At first, I felt condemnation, but the Father’s gentle voice encouraged me. You know what He said?

He said, “you are still Mine and we can still talk, we can just do it on the go…. I’m not mad at you and I certainly have not left you.”

So, a lot of times my talks with God ended up happening as I ran around doing errands, or taking kids to school, or practice, or driving to work.

One particular day, though, in this busy season, I woke up and went to the kitchen for my normal coffee. And I heard the sweetest voice say, “Meet Me at the lake.”

My eyes brightened. I recognized that voice. And my heart leapt!

God wanted me to take some time to come see Him at the lake. I was being invited to not just talk to Him as I ran around, but to actually go out and spend some quality time with my Father!

I felt like a little child getting to go on an outing with her Dad. Or, like a flustered girl that just got asked out on a date. I was so eager to meet with God that I forgot that it was cold outside! I downed my coffee, didn’t even worry about breakfast and got to the lake as quickly as my little car could take me, within the speed limits.

When I got to the lake, it was so cold that my fingers hurt.  I started to walk but I realized that I was just going to be miserable… which I was actually willing to be if it meant being with God. I heard His voice again, a soft chuckle, “I LOVE how much you want to be with Me…it blesses Me to see how excited you are at the prospect of BEING with Me.” I got choked up. Yeah, I wanted, needed to be with my Abba, my Daddy, my Father.

He said, “go home. Get something to eat, put something warmer on, drink some coffee, and then come back…I will go with you.”

I went home and took care of my physical needs; made eggs, drank hot coffee, put on some warmer clothes and then drove back across town to the lake for my date with God.

When I got there, I turned on some music. The song name that God had given me. And, then the songs that came afterwards were “random”. I didn’t have a queue on my Spotify. Just the song He gave me and then whatever came on subsequently.

During that special time at the lake, I did not get any major revelation. I didn’t read any scripture. I didn’t pray and beg for God’s help with any of the craziness of my life.

He didn’t correct me. He didn’t preach at me. He didn’t “teach” me anything (but I mean, obviously He did subtly… or this post would not exist.)

He was just there. I was just there… in His presence. I could swear He was walking next to me. I was silent and each song that played that morning felt heavily curated and hand-picked for me. It was as if God Himself was singing over me (Zephaniah 3:17).

As I think back on that morning, I realize the importance of that invitation and time at the lake.

God didn’t call me to the lake because He had a list of corrections for me. He wasn’t waiting to evaluate my spiritual performance or reward me for finally making time for Him. He simply wanted to be with me as I wanted to be with Him.

And when I arrived cold, hungry, and unprepared, He didn’t shame me. He didn’t tell me to try harder. He didn’t tell me to suffer through it because spending time with Him was more important than my physical needs. Instead, He sent me home to eat breakfast, drink some coffee, and put on a warmer coat.

What kind of Father does that?

A good one.

A loving one.

The kind who enjoys His children, not just their service.

For so much of my life, I have watched people struggle under the weight of trying to be a “good Christian.” They force themselves through devotions, feel guilty when they miss a day, and wonder why spending time with God feels more like an obligation than a relationship.

I wonder if we have sometimes mistaken the invitation for the checklist.

Relationships require intentionality. Love does not remove the need to make time for one another. But there is a profound difference between dragging yourself into the presence of someone because you have to and running toward them because you want to.

That morning, my heart leapt because I wasn’t being summoned to complete a spiritual assignment.

I was being invited to spend time with the One who loves me.

When I got there, all we did was walk and listen to music together. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God…”

What does it look like to just be… to just know Him… to just be with Him?

I fear that sometimes as Christians, we think that being with Him takes a proof of devotion to Him… that we have to be doing something spiritual…devotional, prayer, intercession, service to the less fortunate, volunteering, ministry. I’ve heard people actually teach that if you are not getting up early and spending time in prayer and devotionals before you start your day (no matter how early your day starts… or what it entails) you are not a good Christian and you need to “try harder”.

Recently, I had a friend go through some horrendous experiences that eventually led to a divorce in her family. When she was in the thick of it, she called me. I dropped everything and drove to her to spend three days with her.

This woman was fiercely devoted to God. She lived a very “narrow path” life and checked all the boxes of a “good Christian”. She was so devoted to God that every single moment of her day was filled with something spiritual. She prayed in tongues, she listened to worship music, she read the Bible, when she and her child were home, she turned on preaching and worship on the TV. There was a lot of worshipping, dancing, praying, declaring… all the things that people do to prove their devotion to God. In fact, she was so devoted to the Lord that her child was mildly neglected (all of the child’s physical needs were met).

I sat down with my friend to converse. She finally admitted that she was tired, exhausted, lonely, and struggling. She could not understand why she was going through all this pain when she was so devoted to God… when every moment was filled with “God”. Why was peace so elusive? Why did every moment feel like a trudge? Shouldn’t spirituality and devotion to God in the faith she was showing at least let her have some sense of rest in the storm?

I took the opportunity to teach her something different: the choice to be in a relationship with God versus to do relationship with God. Now, of course there is a time to do. But, that should stem from to be. Life… both in peace, and in the storm… becomes easier when we learn what it means to be… as in, “be still”.

I asked my friend to try something different the next day. While she was at work, I interceded for her family in her home. When she got off work, we picked her child up from school. When we got in the door, I made dinner while my friend sat on the couch and watched her favorite movie while just being aware of God. She made herself available to her child, who began to laugh in the home, even during such a stressful time (children feed off parental energy).

At the end of the evening, my friend admitted that she had not felt that rested, that safe, in a very long time. She said she could finally sense the Father’s presence. And, the surprise was that the activity that she was engaged in was not anywhere near what most people would consider “spiritual”.

She learned (at least for that moment), what it meant “to be” instead of “to do”… the same lesson God subtly reminded me in my busy season when I was falling back into condemnation for not being able to spend the “traditional devotional time” with Him. The invitation to meet God at the lake and spending that time walking and listening to music in His presence were a beautiful reminder to just be in a relationship with the Lord.

This lesson takes a little bit to take hold; it takes cognitive choice and deliberate practice to take root in a life… especially when someone has been taught that in order to be in a relationship with God, you must be doing some spiritual discipline all the time.

God does not merely tolerate a relationship with us in order to get the worship and service He wants. He desires a real relationship with us.

He wants to just be around us. He wants to hold us. He wants to comfort us. He wants to have deep and superficial conversations with us. He wants to be in every single aspect of life… not as this unapproachable Deity that can only be summoned through a specific protocol… but as a Parent, as a Lover, as a Best Friend.

As I learned the difference between being and doing relationship with God, I found myself talking to Him as if He was my Best Friend in the room. I now talk to Him about everything… from the outfit for the day to how to seduce my husband to what the heck to say to someone who is driving me bonkers to what I should choose on the menu.

And perhaps this is what changes everything:

When you learn to be in a relationship with God, “devotional time” is just getting to know your Lover more, “prayer time” becomes another conversation with your Best Friend, “service” becomes a collaboration with a co-worker, “rest” becomes snuggle time with your Daddy.

Christian disciplines were never meant to be a trudging obligation; they are meant to be an invitation for deeper intimacy. In order to accomplish that, we have to make a perspective shift from “doing” to “being.”