I (K)New

Chasing Donkeys, Called to Be King

October 16, 2026
For the past couple of weeks, I have been fixated on 1 Samuel 9 and 10. The fixation has been such that I have been meditating on it day and night. Doing laundry, doing dishes, finishing homework, band competitions, soccer games…. it just keeps turning over and over in my head. One particular quote that I will share in a minute really stands out. I have not been able to write or even study anything else because of the fascination with this passage, and the application thereof that I think we as Christians tend to either forget or don’t quite internalize to begin with.

This particular passage in 1 Samuel 9 & 10 is about the anointing of King Saul, the first king of Israel.

Before Saul, Israel was a theocracy, governed by God himself through His emissaries, the Judges. Famous judges include Samuel, Samson, Gideon, and Deborah (whaaat? A woman judge? For the patriarchy minded believers….God used women to lead, even in the OT). The job description of the judges is found in Judges 2: 16–“Then the Lord raised up judges, who saved them out of the hand of these raiders.”

Judges 2 continues to inform that even though God sent the judges, Israel would not listen and continued to “prostitute themselves” to other gods and worshipped them. When a judge was alive, things were mostly gravy between God and the people. As soon as a judge died, the Israelites returned to idolatry, making God angry. So, instead of driving out the nations around Israel completely, He left them to test the hearts of His people.

The cycle continued for years…The people cry out to God, God answers by raising up a judge, the judge dies, the people return to idolatry, God allows the nations around Israel to oppress them, the people cry out to God, God answers by raising up a judge…etc. etc.

Interestingly, God continued to show up in this cycle of judgment and mercy for the Israelites. However, in the time of Samuel and his kids serving as judges, the Israelites decided that they wanted a different form of government.

The Israelites decided they had had enough of the judges (to be fair, Samuel’s kids were pretty dang corrupt in their rulings) and asked for a king. The reason they gave for wanting a king was not for a need for justice though; it was so that they could be like the nations around them. They wanted a king to save them and to rule over them (1 Samuel 12). They wanted to blend in. They wanted to be cool. They wanted to be like everyone else…(There is soo much spiritual gold here, but I will stay focused on why I have been fixated on 1 Samuel 9 and 10 for now.)

God gave them over to their desires, telling Samuel that the nation did not reject Samuel…they had turned their backs on God. God’s feelings were really hurt. Still, God gives them an out; even though the request was not ideal, God tells them that if they and their king would follow Him, He would still continue to show up for them (1 Samuel 12).

Now we pick up in Samuel 9 and 10.

Samuel Anoints Saul

9 There was a Benjamite, a man of standing, whose name was Kish son of Abiel, the son of Zeror, the son of Bekorath, the son of Aphiah of Benjamin. ² Kish had a son named Saul, as handsome a young man as could be found anywhere in Israel, and he was a head taller than anyone else.

³ Now the donkeys belonging to Saul’s father Kish were lost, and Kish said to his son Saul, “Take one of the servants with you and go and look for the donkeys.” ⁴ So he passed through the hill country of Ephraim and through the area around Shalisha, but they did not find them. They went on into the district of Shaalim, but the donkeys were not there. Then he passed through the territory of Benjamin, but they did not find them.

⁵ When they reached the district of Zuph, Saul said to the servant who was with him, “Come, let’s go back, or my father will stop thinking about the donkeys and start worrying about us.”

⁶ But the servant replied, “Look, in this town there is a man of God; he is highly respected, and everything he says comes true. Let’s go there now. Perhaps he will tell us what way to take.”

⁷ Saul said to his servant, “If we go, what can we give the man? The food in our sacks is gone. We have no gift to take to the man of God. What do we have?”

⁸ The servant answered him again. “Look,” he said, “I have a quarter of a shekel^[a] of silver. I will give it to the man of God so that he will tell us what way to take.” ⁹ (Formerly in Israel, if someone went to inquire of God, they would say, “Come, let us go to the seer,” because the prophet of today used to be called a seer.)

¹⁰ “Good,” Saul said to his servant. “Come, let’s go.” So they set out for the town where the man of God was.

¹¹ As they were going up the hill to the town, they met some young women coming out to draw water, and they asked them, “Is the seer here?”

¹² “He is,” they answered. “He’s ahead of you. Hurry now; he has just come to our town today, for the people have a sacrifice at the high place. ¹³ As soon as you enter the town, you will find him before he goes up to the high place to eat. The people will not begin eating until he comes, because he must bless the sacrifice; afterward, those who are invited will eat. Go up now; you should find him about this time.”

¹⁴ They went up to the town, and as they were entering it, there was Samuel, coming toward them on his way up to the high place.

¹⁵ Now the day before Saul came, the Lord had revealed this to Samuel: ¹⁶ “About this time tomorrow I will send you a man from the land of Benjamin. Anoint him ruler over my people Israel; he will deliver them from the hand of the Philistines. I have looked on my people, for their cry has reached me.”

¹⁷ When Samuel caught sight of Saul, the Lord said to him, “This is the man I spoke to you about; he will govern my people.”

¹⁸ Saul approached Samuel in the gateway and asked, “Would you please tell me where the seer’s house is?”

¹⁹ “I am the seer,” Samuel replied. “Go up ahead of me to the high place, for today you are to eat with me, and in the morning I will send you on your way and will tell you all that is in your heart. ²⁰ As for the donkeys you lost three days ago, do not worry about them; they have been found. And to whom is all the desire of Israel turned, if not to you and your whole family line?”

²¹ Saul answered, “But am I not a Benjamite, from the smallest tribe of Israel, and is not my clan the least of all the clans of the tribe of Benjamin? Why do you say such a thing to me?”

²² Then Samuel brought Saul and his servant into the hall and seated them at the head of those who were invited—about thirty in number. ²³ Samuel said to the cook, “Bring the piece of meat I gave you, the one I told you to lay aside.”

²⁴ So the cook took up the thigh with what was on it and set it in front of Saul. Samuel said, “Here is what has been kept for you. Eat, because it was set aside for you for this occasion from the time I said, ‘I have invited guests.’” And Saul dined with Samuel that day.

²⁵ After they came down from the high place to the town, Samuel talked with Saul on the roof of his house. ²⁶ They rose about daybreak, and Samuel called to Saul on the roof, “Get ready, and I will send you on your way.” When Saul got ready, he and Samuel went outside together. ²⁷ As they were going down to the edge of the town, Samuel said to Saul, “Tell the servant to go on ahead of us”—and the servant did so—“but you stay here for a while, so that I may give you a message from God.”

10 Then Samuel took a flask of olive oil and poured it on Saul’s head and kissed him, saying, “Has not the Lord anointed you ruler over his inheritance?^[b] ² When you leave me today, you will meet two men near Rachel’s tomb, at Zelzah on the border of Benjamin. They will say to you, ‘The donkeys you set out to look for have been found. And now your father has stopped thinking about them and is worried about you. He is asking, “What shall I do about my son?”’

³ “Then you will go on from there until you reach the great tree of Tabor. Three men going up to worship God at Bethel will meet you there. One will be carrying three young goats, another three loaves of bread, and another a skin of wine. ⁴ They will greet you and offer you two loaves of bread, which you will accept from them.

⁵ “After that you will go to Gibeah of God, where there is a Philistine outpost. As you approach the town, you will meet a procession of prophets coming down from the high place with lyres, timbrels, pipes and harps being played before them, and they will be prophesying. ⁶ The Spirit of the Lord will come powerfully upon you, and you will prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different person. ⁷ Once these signs are fulfilled, do whatever your hand finds to do, for God is with you.

⁸ “Go down ahead of me to Gilgal. I will surely come down to you to sacrifice burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, but you must wait seven days until I come to you and tell you what you are to do.”

Saul Made King

⁹ As Saul turned to leave Samuel, God changed Saul’s heart, and all these signs were fulfilled that day. ¹⁰ When he and his servant arrived at Gibeah, a procession of prophets met him; the Spirit of God came powerfully upon him, and he joined in their prophesying. ¹¹ When all those who had formerly known him saw him prophesying with the prophets, they asked each other, “What is this that has happened to the son of Kish? Is Saul also among the prophets?”

¹² A man who lived there answered, “And who is their father?” So it became a saying: “Is Saul also among the prophets?” ¹³ After Saul stopped prophesying, he went to the high place.

¹⁴ Now Saul’s uncle asked him and his servant, “Where have you been?”

“Looking for the donkeys,” he said. “But when we saw they were not to be found, we went to Samuel.”

¹⁵ Saul’s uncle said, “Tell me what Samuel said to you.”

¹⁶ Saul replied, “He assured us that the donkeys had been found.” But he did not tell his uncle what Samuel had said about the kingship.

¹⁷ Samuel summoned the people of Israel to the Lord at Mizpah ¹⁸ and said to them, “This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘I brought Israel up out of Egypt, and I delivered you from the power of Egypt and all the kingdoms that oppressed you.’ ¹⁹ But you have now rejected your God, who saves you out of all your disasters and calamities. And you have said, ‘No, appoint a king over us.’ So now present yourselves before the Lord by your tribes and clans.”

²⁰ When Samuel had all Israel come forward by tribes, the tribe of Benjamin was taken by lot. ²¹ Then he brought forward the tribe of Benjamin, clan by clan, and Matri’s clan was taken. Finally Saul son of Kish was taken. But when they looked for him, he was not to be found. ²² So they inquired further of the Lord, “Has the man come here yet?”

And the Lord said, “Yes, he has hidden himself among the supplies.”

²³ They ran and brought him out, and as he stood among the people he was a head taller than any of the others. ²⁴ Samuel said to all the people, “Do you see the man the Lord has chosen? There is no one like him among all the people.”

Then the people shouted, “Long live the king!”

²⁵ Samuel explained to the people the rights and duties of kingship. He wrote them down on a scroll and deposited it before the Lord. Then Samuel dismissed the people to go to their own homes.

²⁶ Saul also went to his home in Gibeah, accompanied by valiant men whose hearts God had touched. ²⁷ But some scoundrels said, “How can this fellow save us?” They despised him and brought him no gifts. But Saul kept silent. (https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Samuel%209-10&version=NIV)

Saul comes on the scene as a very unassuming, very tall guy. The Bible points out more than once that Saul was handsome and stood a head taller than any of the other people. Samuel oddly points this out as “there is no one like him among all the people.”

There’s about 3 points that really stand out to me. I will list them and go into details with each thought.

1) When Saul was chosen to be king, he was just doing ordinary mundane life.

Before Saul was called into something extraordinary, he was just a good looking tall guy that was going about the most mundane tasks of life. I’ve read this passage before but reading it a couple weeks ago, I stopped and laughed for a good five minutes. The man was chasing run away donkeys half way to Timbuktu with a servant in tow…for his dad. They weren’t even his donkeys. And, poor guy, there were no modern conveniences to call and let him know when the idiot things had been found. For three days, Saul wandered the countryside until frustration and the lack of food finally made him decide to head back home.

The servant wanted to make one last ditch attempt by consulting “the seer” in the nearby town. In the mean time, God tells the seer, Samuel, to expect Saul and anoint him as the first king. When Samuel announced to Saul that he would be king, Saul’s answer was, “dude. I’m no one special. Why the heck would you say such a thing?”

Eventually, Saul becomes a prideful ass. But, here, there is something beautiful going on. A man’s life is about to change and he has no clue. There is no divine intervention until there is.
- Isn’t that how it still goes? You never know what God has up His sleeve. While you are chasing donkeys, God could be preparing to anoint you as king. You don’t have to see the special in yourself… but you can bet that God does see the special and prepares the way when you are busy living life.
- You never know what aspect God is wanting to use about you. We like to talk about David being chosen because of what was in his heart. To me, God seems to have chosen Saul because he was tall and handsome. I wonder if that was why God had to remind Samuel later concerning David’s anointing that He looks at the heart? Saul’s physical attributes are pointed out as assets in his appointment as king. Saul couldn’t even hide himself when he tried to.
  - God chooses you for the tasks He chooses using the attributes He needs. Nothing is off limits. Not even your good looks.
2. When Saul was anointed, God changed his heart to fit his calling

This is the thing that I have not been able to turn off in my mind. In 1 Samuel 10: 9 the Word says, “As Saul turned to leave Samuel, God changed Saul’s heart, and these signs were fulfilled that day.”

I have been given prophetic words by believers who at least believed themselves to be the channels used by the Holy Spirit. Most of the words are character words and my standing before God. Some words have to do with my future, my talents, my abilities… my destiny, if you will. But, you know what my reaction to that information was? Stress.

What in the cock-a-doodle are these people seeing in me? I’m just an orphan girl from India who has been abused in one way or another for most of her life. What if I can’t meet the expectation? What if I fuck up the prophetic word… if it’s even true? How can I tap into and get to that potential… why can I not quite get there? How can I be or become what these people are saying God sees in me?

I gotta tell you: reading and meditating on verse 9 is probably one of the most freeing things I have experienced as a child of God in a while. I walk in a sense of freedom in Christ that makes most people scratch their heads in wonder and at times, envy; however, this idea that God has plans for me and those plans are so much bigger and brighter than what I feel like I am worth had me twisted into someone who was taking on the responsibility to become something I was not sure I could attain.

But then came verse 9. God changed Saul’s heart.

Up until that point, Saul was just a tall sexy glass of water that was running around the countryside, chasing donkeys for his dad. After Samuel told him what he was destined for and the signs that Saul needed to look for as confirmation, God did the heavy lifting of changing his heart. Saul did not have to worry about “preparing”. Heck, he even hid when it was time to reveal his anointing to rest of the nation. Yet, something changed in Him as he encountered God.
- I’m learning that it’s okay to feel unworthy of “the calling” on my life and even try to hide from it at times. I am learning that I don’t have to worry about making myself ready or worthy; I can let God do the heavy lifting. The change in Saul is acted upon in I Samuel 11 when he becomes FURIOUS at an Ammonite attack and does something about it: he sends a message to the rest of Israel that literally puts the fear of God in the nation…”come fight with me for the nation or suffer the consequences.”
- All God needs is my surrender. Saul could have said, “heck no. Go find someone else.” He didn’t. He felt unworthy, but He accepted what God said. The rest was up to God: God sees. God chooses. God calls. God prepares. God anoints. God changes. Internalizing this was so freeing for me. And in line with that, I am finally learning to walk in the change that I am noticing in myself without doubting myself.
The secret to freedom and fulfillment is surrender.

3) After Saul was anointed, he went back to normal life…until it was time to act in the change that God had done in Saul.

This one is interesting. There was a lot of hullabaloo over Saul being anointed and then presented. Samuel tells Saul, which Saul kinda keeps to himself until the official announcement that Samuel makes to the rest of the nation. There was even a whole tension building ceremony of tribes, clans, families, and individuals presenting themselves.

I think it’s hilarious that Saul hid himself among the supplies; God had to tell people where Saul was hiding. As funny as that is, I think it reveals exactly how vulnerable Saul felt about his calling.

At the revelation of Saul’s purpose, the people (for the most part) accepted and loved the idea of Saul being king. Some people were not happy about it. Then, after all the wonder, Samuel sends everyone home; Saul returns to the mundane every day tasks back at home.
- When you are anointed, you will also be revealed. But, it may not happen all at once. I think sometimes it’s easy to read these stories in the Bible and forget that they take time. It’s a process. There was time between Saul finding out that he was going to be king and the nation finding out that Saul would be their king. There was also time between the presentation to the nation and the first act and confirmation of the kingship. In the mean time, everyone went back to life as normal. It’s easy for me to forget that life is a process. I tend to think that I have to be what I am meant to become in a moment’s notice. Life does not work that way. A calling does not work that way. It takes as much time as it takes for God to move. Fast or slow…God is the Master of time in your anointing, calling, and fulfillment.
- Not everyone will like or accept your anointing. For a long time, I struggled with this one. I can fall into people pleasing (until I reach the end of my rope). For someone like me, people rejecting my anointing or questioning my identity first makes me turn on myself. Rather than getting angry at the people doubting me, my first reaction is to doubt myself and what God has revealed about my calling, identity, and anointing. I start hiding my talents so that I don’t upset too many people. But, an important lesson that I am learning through this passage is that even when God shows up to reveal you to the world, there are going to be people who will throw shade. In 10: 27, I Samuel says, “But some scoundrels said, ‘how can this fellow save us?’ They despised him and brought him no gifts…” But, I love Saul’s reaction: “Saul kept silent.” He didn’t try to defend himself or his calling. He didn’t try to convince the naysayers. He didn’t retaliate. Even later, after he had proven himself and the people wanted to put the scoundrels to death, Saul said no, gave God the glory for his victory, and kept chugging into the life that God called him to.
For me, the meditation and the application of these two chapters about a king that no one really likes that much (I mean, the guy turned into an absolutely terrible villain…) gave me a new level of freedom. I have a tendency to forget that it’s God who has prepared the good works for me to accomplish (Ephesians 2:10), He equips me for those works (Hebrews 13:21), and He works in me to will and to do His good pleasure (Philippians 2:13). It takes the pressure off me.
Meet Me at the Lake

September 23, 2026

I love Psalm 42.

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God. For I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you for the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me—a prayer to the God of my life. I say to God my Rock, “Why have You forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?” My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God?” Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

Today, I want to write about a particularly busy season of my life.

Life threw me many curve balls with my kids… one now lives with me full time. I got re-married to a great guy. He is more than amazing, but just like any husband, he takes time… and needs attention… and I have to make sure he gets good meals (he’s a grown ass man that does a fine job taking care of himself… but hey, I am a hospitable wife).

With a husband and children comes the need to share my space with more people, more often. For someone who had grown super independent during the single-mom years, it was a new road that I had to re-learn. And of course, when there are people always in your space, they expect you to talk to them… about one thing or another.

I got a job working outside the home. And the kids turned into teens that have many many activities and friends; so I became an “Uber service” as well. Oh, and of course, we were involved in church and I mean if you are involved in church, you have to prove that you “serve” God by showing up to the events, and volunteering and serving the congregation…. Because if you don’t, are you truly a Christian? (that was sarcasm, btw).

Also, on top of all that, I am in graduate school…so is the hubby (along with his full time job).

This season had me going so much that I did not have time to spend “devotional time”. I just didn’t. It’s not because I didn’t want to. Trust me, I wanted to have just 5 minutes to get before the Love of my Life. But, I didn’t.

At first, I felt condemnation, but the Father’s gentle voice encouraged me. You know what He said?

He said, “you are still Mine and we can still talk, we can just do it on the go…. I’m not mad at you and I certainly have not left you.”

So, a lot of times my talks with God ended up happening as I ran around doing errands, or taking kids to school, or practice, or driving to work.

One particular day, though, in this busy season, I woke up and went to the kitchen for my normal coffee. And I heard the sweetest voice say, “Meet Me at the lake.”

My eyes brightened. I recognized that voice. And my heart leapt!

God wanted me to take some time to come see Him at the lake. I was being invited to not just talk to Him as I ran around, but to actually go out and spend some quality time with my Father!

I felt like a little child getting to go on an outing with her Dad. Or, like a flustered girl that just got asked out on a date. I was so eager to meet with God that I forgot that it was cold outside! I downed my coffee, didn’t even worry about breakfast and got to the lake as quickly as my little car could take me, within the speed limits.

When I got to the lake, it was so cold that my fingers hurt. I started to walk but I realized that I was just going to be miserable… which I was actually willing to be if it meant being with God. I heard His voice again, a soft chuckle, “I LOVE how much you want to be with Me…it blesses Me to see how excited you are at the prospect of BEING with Me.” I got choked up. Yeah, I wanted, needed to be with my Abba, my Daddy, my Father.

He said, “go home. Get something to eat, put something warmer on, drink some coffee, and then come back…I will go with you.”

I went home and took care of my physical needs; made eggs, drank hot coffee, put on some warmer clothes and then drove back across town to the lake for my date with God.

When I got there, I turned on some music. The song name that God had given me. And, then the songs that came afterwards were “random”. I didn’t have a queue on my Spotify. Just the song He gave me and then whatever came on subsequently.

During that special time at the lake, I did not get any major revelation. I didn’t read any scripture. I didn’t pray and beg for God’s help with any of the craziness of my life.

He didn’t correct me. He didn’t preach at me. He didn’t “teach” me anything (but I mean, obviously He did subtly… or this post would not exist.)

He was just there. I was just there… in His presence. I could swear He was walking next to me. I was silent and each song that played that morning felt heavily curated and hand-picked for me. It was as if God Himself was singing over me (Zephaniah 3:17).

As I think back on that morning, I realize the importance of that invitation and time at the lake.

God didn’t call me to the lake because He had a list of corrections for me. He wasn’t waiting to evaluate my spiritual performance or reward me for finally making time for Him. He simply wanted to be with me as I wanted to be with Him.

And when I arrived cold, hungry, and unprepared, He didn’t shame me. He didn’t tell me to try harder. He didn’t tell me to suffer through it because spending time with Him was more important than my physical needs. Instead, He sent me home to eat breakfast, drink some coffee, and put on a warmer coat.

What kind of Father does that?

A good one.

A loving one.

The kind who enjoys His children, not just their service.

For so much of my life, I have watched people struggle under the weight of trying to be a “good Christian.” They force themselves through devotions, feel guilty when they miss a day, and wonder why spending time with God feels more like an obligation than a relationship.

I wonder if we have sometimes mistaken the invitation for the checklist.

Relationships require intentionality. Love does not remove the need to make time for one another. But there is a profound difference between dragging yourself into the presence of someone because you have to and running toward them because you want to.

That morning, my heart leapt because I wasn’t being summoned to complete a spiritual assignment.

I was being invited to spend time with the One who loves me.

When I got there, all we did was walk and listen to music together. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God…”

What does it look like to just be… to just know Him… to just be with Him?

I fear that sometimes as Christians, we think that being with Him takes a proof of devotion to Him… that we have to be doing something spiritual…devotional, prayer, intercession, service to the less fortunate, volunteering, ministry. I’ve heard people actually teach that if you are not getting up early and spending time in prayer and devotionals before you start your day (no matter how early your day starts… or what it entails) you are not a good Christian and you need to “try harder”.

Recently, I had a friend go through some horrendous experiences that eventually led to a divorce in her family. When she was in the thick of it, she called me. I dropped everything and drove to her to spend three days with her.

This woman was fiercely devoted to God. She lived a very “narrow path” life and checked all the boxes of a “good Christian”. She was so devoted to God that every single moment of her day was filled with something spiritual. She prayed in tongues, she listened to worship music, she read the Bible, when she and her child were home, she turned on preaching and worship on the TV. There was a lot of worshipping, dancing, praying, declaring… all the things that people do to prove their devotion to God. In fact, she was so devoted to the Lord that her child was mildly neglected (all of the child’s physical needs were met).

I sat down with my friend to converse. She finally admitted that she was tired, exhausted, lonely, and struggling. She could not understand why she was going through all this pain when she was so devoted to God… when every moment was filled with “God”. Why was peace so elusive? Why did every moment feel like a trudge? Shouldn’t spirituality and devotion to God in the faith she was showing at least let her have some sense of rest in the storm?

I took the opportunity to teach her something different: the choice to be in a relationship with God versus to do relationship with God. Now, of course there is a time to do. But, that should stem from to be. Life… both in peace, and in the storm… becomes easier when we learn what it means to be… as in, “be still”.

I asked my friend to try something different the next day. While she was at work, I interceded for her family in her home. When she got off work, we picked her child up from school. When we got in the door, I made dinner while my friend sat on the couch and watched her favorite movie while just being aware of God. She made herself available to her child, who began to laugh in the home, even during such a stressful time (children feed off parental energy).

At the end of the evening, my friend admitted that she had not felt that rested, that safe, in a very long time. She said she could finally sense the Father’s presence. And, the surprise was that the activity that she was engaged in was not anywhere near what most people would consider “spiritual”.

She learned (at least for that moment), what it meant “to be” instead of “to do”… the same lesson God subtly reminded me in my busy season when I was falling back into condemnation for not being able to spend the “traditional devotional time” with Him. The invitation to meet God at the lake and spending that time walking and listening to music in His presence were a beautiful reminder to just be in a relationship with the Lord.

This lesson takes a little bit to take hold; it takes cognitive choice and deliberate practice to take root in a life… especially when someone has been taught that in order to be in a relationship with God, you must be doing some spiritual discipline all the time.

God does not merely tolerate a relationship with us in order to get the worship and service He wants. He desires a real relationship with us.

He wants to just be around us. He wants to hold us. He wants to comfort us. He wants to have deep and superficial conversations with us. He wants to be in every single aspect of life… not as this unapproachable Deity that can only be summoned through a specific protocol… but as a Parent, as a Lover, as a Best Friend.

As I learned the difference between being and doing relationship with God, I found myself talking to Him as if He was my Best Friend in the room. I now talk to Him about everything… from the outfit for the day to how to seduce my husband to what the heck to say to someone who is driving me bonkers to what I should choose on the menu.

And perhaps this is what changes everything:

When you learn to be in a relationship with God, “devotional time” is just getting to know your Lover more, “prayer time” becomes another conversation with your Best Friend, “service” becomes a collaboration with a co-worker, “rest” becomes snuggle time with your Daddy.

Christian disciplines were never meant to be a trudging obligation; they are meant to be an invitation for deeper intimacy. In order to accomplish that, we have to make a perspective shift from “doing” to “being.”
No Gods Beside Me

September 22, 2026

What Dagon taught me about love, idolatry, and surrender

“Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”

As I read that phrase, inevitably, images of Charlton Heston as Moses dance through my mind; the actor dressed in woven robes, carrying a formidable staff, wearing a beard that could put Santa Claus to shame. I picture a scene on Mount Sinai, with its burned and smoking top; Moses and God “chatting” about how to govern and teach a previously enslaved people how to live in freedom.

These people had been living in slavery for over 400 years… they had no idea how or even what freedom could possibly mean in their day to day lives. So, rules were needed to teach them. They were much like a classroom full of pre-k students who were going to school for the very first time in their lives. They had to learn the rules and consequences of operating in a world away from those that governed them all their lives. There would be freedom they did not know before…but there would also be a responsibility that comes with exercising that freedom.

The most important rule, reiterated from above, was, “Hey, I am God. Period. No one else gets to have that title or that place in your lives.” The Israelites really struggled with this concept throughout their history, though. Sometimes, I think we wonder, “Really, you struggled to just accept one God? You would rather worship a gold covered rock (or heck, even a piece of a stick)? After all the things you saw God do?”

It can be so easy to think of this problem on a surface level and get a bit judgmental and haughty. However, one day, a couple of years ago, God took me through a bit of a deep dive into this rule.

I will share a few things I learned, things that God and I talked through, the conviction that came, the redemption I received, and the freedom I learned as I walked in this command from a place of surrender, truth and understanding (much like those newly set free Israelites who had to learn what freedom actually means).

My story into this command started in I Samuel chapter 5. At this time, Israel was a theocracy: a people who were governed by God through appointed judges and prophets. During the time portrayed in this part of the book of I Samuel, Israel was at war with its surrounding neighbors (surprise, surprise…I suppose one could say things have not changed much, heh). The Philistines had captured the Ark of the Covenant in battle. This ark represented God’s presence in the nation of Israel; so, it was a BIG deal that it had been captured.

The Philistines took the most sacred object in the Israeli kingdom; woo hoo… now what?

This is where we pick up the story in I Samuel chapter 5:

After the Philistines had captured the ark of God, they took it from Ebenezer to Ashdod. ²Then they carried the ark into Dagon’s temple and set it beside Dagon. ³When the people of Ashdod rose early the next day, there was Dagon, fallen on his face on the ground before the ark of the Lord! They took Dagon and put him back in his place. ⁴But the following morning when they rose, there was Dagon, fallen on his face on the ground before the ark of the Lord! His head and hands had been broken off and were lying on the threshold; only his body remained. ⁵That is why to this day neither the priests of Dagon nor any others who enter Dagon’s temple at Ashdod step on the threshold.

⁶The Lord’s hand was heavy on the people of Ashdod and its vicinity; he brought devastation on them and afflicted them with tumors. ⁷When the people of Ashdod saw what was happening, they said, “The ark of the god of Israel must not stay here with us, because his hand is heavy on us and on Dagon our god.” ⁸So they called together all the rulers of the Philistines and asked them, “What shall we do with the ark of the god of Israel?”

They answered, “Have the ark of the god of Israel moved to Gath.” So they moved the ark of the God of Israel.

⁹But after they had moved it, the Lord’s hand was against that city, throwing it into a great panic. He afflicted the people of the city, both young and old, with an outbreak of tumors. ¹⁰So they sent the ark of God to Ekron.

As the ark of God was entering Ekron, the people of Ekron cried out, “They have brought the ark of the god of Israel around to us to kill us and our people.” ¹¹So they called together all the rulers of the Philistines and said, “Send the ark of the god of Israel away; let it go back to its own place, or it will kill us and our people.” For death had filled the city with panic; God’s hand was very heavy on it. ¹²Those who did not die were afflicted with tumors, and the outcry of the city went up to heaven.

Who or what the heck is “Dagon”? Dagon was a god in the Philistine culture. He was considered the god of crop fertility and fish. He was pictured as having the body and head of a man with a fish tail–likely the first appearance of a merman!

This story fascinated me even as a child, but as it is with many things in the Bible, one can read the same story over and over again but draw something new from it each time.

This time, I was meditating on the fact that this image of a god lay toppled in these people’s temple. A temple is a holy place, right? The Philistines had enough sense to know that God had come into the battle when the Israelites brought the Ark; and, they knew who He was, what He was capable of.

When they won the battle and captured the Ark, they did not put the thing in a hole in the ground, or some backwater farmer’s shed…no, they had enough respect for YHWH to bring the Ark into their holy place, the temple of Dagon. Yet, the image of Dagon lay face down in front of the Ark. When they tried to set it up again, the next day they found the thing decapitated, hands cut off and thrown near the threshold!

As I was imagining the above story, I heard the very clear voice of YHWH say, “I will have no other gods before Me….but, I will have no other gods beside Me either.” My spiritual ears immediately perked up in that closet I had converted into an office.

I spent so much time in that closet during that season of life. I was a hurting, lonely single mother of three children. I did not, could not, trust people at that time. I had been betrayed by friends, family, lovers, co-workers. A lot of my wounds were inflicted by and stirred up by people who claimed to be Christians. Although I grew up in church, had traveled several places in the world to work with missionaries and was passionate about “doing” God’s work in all areas of ministry in church, I ended up in a dark and lonely place, not wanting to have anything to do with religion or Christianity.

I learned, though, during this time, that there was a difference between religion and relationship with God. Even though I was on an island all alone, I needed and wanted to know what Love actually was. Being an orphan during the most formative years of my childhood, it was a concept that I had forgotten or never truly experienced. Wounds, hurts, trauma throughout my life kept me from “feeling” love the way others did. It made my adopted parents’ lives pretty difficult; love, for me, was just something you pretended to do to make sure that you did not get sent back to the orphanage in India (a fear I lived in during my childhood).

I turned to the only thing I thought could maybe, possibly love me during a time when I was so unloved. If God was real, maybe He could show me who He was. If God was true, maybe He could show me what it meant to be loved, what it meant to have freedom.

I did begin to experience God in a very real way. I often tell people, I do not believe in God, in Jesus, in the Holy Spirit, because someone gave a persuasive speech… I believe because of my own experiences with Him. I know Him because I looked for Him and found Him. I speak to Him, I have experienced His life giving miracles and I learned about life at His feet when no one else seemed to want me.

In this particular season, I was so hungry for the Word of God; I wanted to know Him, understand Him, be with Him. In my “secret place”, I devoured the Word and talked with God for hours and hours. During that season, it was not unusual for me to get lost in conversations and study for 4,5, 6 hours and have no idea that my day was already half gone. When I had honest musings, they often turned into life-giving conversations with the Lord.

“Not only will I have no other gods before Me…I will have no other gods beside Me either.” As God and I talked in my closet, the Lord showed me that while He was taken to the Philistines’ most sacred place in that town, He was still not okay with sharing that spot with an imposter. He is not okay with sharing His spot…with anyone or anything. He is not just “one of the gods”, He is the only true God.

In the story in I Samuel, God was kind. He gave the people a hint on the first day; their god on his face before the Ark of the Covenant. They didn’t quite get the hint, picking the statue up and putting him back where he belonged. So, God gave them a much stronger “hint”. He broke the head and the hands and threw them at the threshold. Plus, the people in town started having such huge problems that they proceeded to try to get rid of the Ark, sending it around to several different cities for seven months before they decided to send the thing back to the Israelites.

Okay, cool story…why am I sharing this?

Well, at that time in my life, I was crazy in love with a guy. Helen of Troy and Paris had nothing on the level of passion and destruction I was willing to go through for this man. We were like the modern Romeo and Juliet, ill fated from the start of our love affair; yet, I was willing to drink poison again and again for this guy. It was the one-of-a-kind, once-in-a-life time kind of love and passion…the kind they show in movies (that usually brings out the cynicism in most sane people), but it was every bit real, every bit destructive, every bit passionate. The kind of love you just can’t forget no matter how many other lovers you might have in your life.

I used to be a undies-in-a-tight-wad kind of girl; a super straight arrow and self-righteous religious prick before this dude. He showed up and the undies relaxed… to the point of compromising some of the most basic laws of God.

I didn’t walk away from God. The craziness of that beautifully destructive love affair was that it actually tore down the shiny whitewashed tomb, and allowed God access to rebuild me into something way more…real. The reason I love the verse “where sin abounds, grace abounds even more.” I toed the line from the start, then crossed over it…all the while using scripture to justify my actions.

Did you know it’s easy to justify just about anything with the Bible? Hence the reason why it is so dangerous to read the Book without understanding the Author or allowing the Holy Spirit to be the Helper that He is meant to be. Without Him, perception can guide us into the pit of Hell, all while using scripture.

See, at that time, I did not displace God out of my life. I had Him front and center in my Temple, if you will. (The Bible calls us the Temple of God- I Corinthians 3: 16). But, because of my passionate love for the gorgeous blue-eyed sculpture, I had inadvertently put him in the temple next to God. While my “merman god” was not above God, I allowed him to have the same kind of love, influence, and worship in my life.

God does not share.

What do you think happened to this “Dagon” in my life… and to me?

Our love affair, as passionate as it was, could not last. But, boy, I hung on. For seven years, I hung on. There was a destructive pattern that this dude and I cycled through again and again… not once did it occur to me that God kept toppling my idol, breaking and shattering pieces that I kept trying to replace back on the pedestal. Until, one day, God used I Samuel 5 and spoke to me. Ding…light bulb moment!

In the story, God toppled the image of Dagon. Then, He broke off pieces and hurled them at the threshold. I found it fascinating that He never threw them out of the temple. I asked Him why? If He is such a jealous God and wants the whole temple to Himself…why didn’t He just toss the whole dang idol out the door… or out of the city?

He said, “that’s not MY job”.

Ding! Another light bulb moment. Removing the idol from our “most holy place”, has to be our choice. I learned that God will reveal Himself. He will even create problems when there is an obstacle for a pure relationship between you and Him, but He will never overstep His boundary to your choice. The Philistines (much like us), didn’t get the hint.

Then, instead of understanding the God whom they clearly feared and respected, they moved Him around for 7 months, trying to get Him to just calm down and let them do what they wanted with Him. God threw a fit. Everywhere that Ark went, destruction followed…until the Philistines had enough and returned the Ark to where it belonged, along with a gift as a guilt offering.

Imagine for a second though, what might have happened if the people of Ashdod would have understood that God was the only true God and that He would not share His glory, His space, with another?

Scripture repeatedly shows God responding with mercy when Gentiles (even in the Old Testament) turned toward Him in faith…He even integrated them into honor– like Rahab and Ruth. Rahab became a part of the Israelite community and Ruth, a Moabite, was integrated into the bloodline of Jesus Christ.

Just as God would not share the space in Ashdod with the merman of fertility and fish, God refused to share space in my heart with my Mr. Blue. The consequences of me trying to make that fit were…painful.

But, I had to be the one to choose what I would do with God and Mr. Blue– and remove the one that did not belong in the Most Holy of Holies… my Heart.

Here is where the rubber meets the road… Do you have a Dagon in your life?

What does he look like? Man…woman…child(ren)…work…a nice car, house, white picket fence…a healthy savings account…an influencer site…a church…a ministry…a sports team…a political party?

Even harder question…Is he sharing the space that is meant for YHWH alone?

You have to choose to examine yourself… be willing to face that just maybe you have not abandoned God, but maybe God is being made to share you…and humble yourself enough to remove the idol rather than put him back on the pedestal…or move him around in your life to justify the idolatry. I John 1:9 says that if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Restart. Give God back the space that belongs to Him alone.
Hello World!

August 20, 2026

Relationships are hard.

Yet, life revolves around relationships. The quality of our lives is often determined by the quality of our relationships.

How well do we get along with others–family, friends, strangers?

How well do we relate to God, or whatever we believe exists beyond ourselves?

As for me, I do believe in a one true God who created the universe for His pleasure, making mankind (those who bear His own image) the pinnacle of His creation. That God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to the earth to be born of a virgin, and perform miracles while He taught a higher way of living. He was sent to His execution for the higher plan of God to take on the judgement of the world on the cross. Then, He was resurrected to overcome the punishment that was meant for all of earth, renewing and reconciling the world back to God through Himself.

My life, my being, is solidly founded on this one truth: I have a relationship with THE Being in the universe, accepting Him as my Father through the work that Jesus did on the cross and His subsequent resurrection from death. Nevertheless, sometimes, that relationship still gets strained. It gets confusing. At times, it hurts. At other times, I get so flaming angry at Him that I refuse to talk to the Holy and Perfect God who loves me… sometimes, for weeks. All the ups and downs that I have in relationships with people can be reflected in my relationship with even God… the God who loves me, and is perfect in every way.

The last relational question that I believe runs life is–How well do we get along with ourselves?

There is a scripture in the Bible, Matthew 22:37-39, that says “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.” Jesus gave two commandments, but within those two commandments I see three relationships: God, others, and self.

Why did Jesus say “as yourself”? What does my relationship with myself have to do with my ability to love my neighbor? What happens when I spend my life trying to give other people patience, grace, compassion, forgiveness, and understanding that I refuse to extend to myself?

As a Christian, I’ve spent most of my life assuming that loving myself was the least important part of that verse. Now I’m beginning to wonder whether I misunderstood it. According to Jesus, that last thing, love yourself, is a part of loving your “neighbor.”

In fact, I think He was revealing a universal truth there… it is impossible to love others when you don’t love yourself. Yet, so many of us try. We sacrifice for others without necessarily knowing how to love them (or ourselves) well.

These three relationships are the building blocks of life: How do we relate to God, how do we relate to ourselves, and how do we relate to others.

We all have different starting points, but we all can work on each aspect of these building blocks. Maybe someone needs to learn deeper truths about the character of God to fall more in love with Him? Maybe someone needs to better understand themselves so that they can fall more in love with themselves? Or, maybe someone needs a perspective shift so that they can fall more in love with the people they encounter in their lives?

How is that possible?

There is another scripture in the Bible in Romans 12… “Be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” I believe that renewal is possible by learning from each other, the things that we have walked through, combined with the revelation of the Word. The Bible declares that in Revelation 12–“They triumphed over him (the Accuser of the Brethren…aka the Devil) by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony.”

That is the reason for this blog… to provide a place to read experience, possibly receive a greater revelation, wrestle with ourselves, God, and scripture, and transform our lives.

I hope to be able to share my stories, provide opportunity to open minds through Biblical revelation, challenge assumptions that we have about God, ourselves, families, people…and possibly transform some part of people’s lives.

Full transparency… I write under a pseudonym. In a world of social media, I don’t want a spotlight on me. I want it on the word, and the work. I hope it will help me write more boldly, and with clarity.

I invite you on this journey as we discover greater love for God, ourselves, and others….renewing our faith and transforming our lives through stories, scripture, experience, and knowledge.
Sufficient Grace

August 20, 2026

I was reflecting on some things this morning on my drive home after dropping a child off at school.

My nephew just started going to University this fall. I have absolutely LOVED having him around. He’s come around a few times for family dinners since his arrival a couple of weeks ago. Last night, he came in after his last class ended and we all ate a late dinner (9:00pm) together. What stood out to me was that when he walked in, he was quiet, a little stressed, definitely tired.

As I cooked and the family gathered around, I asked my nephew and kid to help with dinner… you know, clean up my flour mess, set the table, taste the simmering Butter Chicken, add the finishing spices…

As he worked, I probed for information about my nephew’s new life as a freshman, slowly drawing out conversation. As the family ate, I watched the kid transform in front of my eyes. He relaxed, he became talkative, and soon the kitchen was filled with conversation and laughter; we even got the privilege of helping him figure out a couple adulting questions. By the time he went home, he was well fed, smiling, carrying extra food with him to eat later in the week. It was absolutely wonderful to be able to be here for him as he adjusts to being a college student here.

This isn’t the only story of life in my kitchen and around my table.

The thing I was reflecting on was how much I used to HATE cooking. Seriously. When I was a kid, I would rather do ANYTHING else. I found a way to burn WATER. My mom had such a hard time trying to teach me. When I got married and had my kids, I conceded to having to cook for their survival…a necessity to keeping them alive. And that is how I treated it.

Then, after my divorce, someone beautiful opened my eyes to the possibilities of cooking and eating together. My Friend and I used to spend hours in the kitchen, trying new recipes; eventually going off script, using recipes as a “jumping off point”. This Friend showed me that cooking could be relational. As we cooked, we talked about everything under the sun; world problems got solved when we cooked together! The kitchen went from a lonely and boring place to place full of life, laughter, creativity, and honest communication. I discovered that love could be translated into cooking a good meal.

Unfortunately, my Friend and I are no longer in contact but what I learned from them has transformed my life and my ministry in ways that I would have never imagined even ten years ago. What I used to hate doing, I now allow the Holy Spirit to empower. My husband finds it fascinating that I pray while I cook (sometimes looking like a lunatic, talking to the Lord out loud about the ingredients that He says to use in any given dish).

No dish ever turns out the same because when I cook with God, He knows what the people who will be at my table need in the moment. Without fail, every single time, something in my cooking ends up ministering to people in ways that gets them to relax, feel safe, and pulls out of them conversation and stress that they had been holding onto…giving my husband and/or me the opportunity to then minister to people’s souls as well as their bodies.

I start cooking and my teenagers show up around the table, spilling the tea about their lives. Or, just wanting to do homework at the kitchen table, hanging out in Mom’s presence. Or, discussing the challenges of growing up, wrestling out the decisions they need to make with Mom’s guidance.

I start cooking and teenagers that don’t even live in my household feel safe enough to open up about the challenges they are facing; we get to discuss wisdom. My oldest daughter tells me that her friends love hanging out with me and get so confused when I am able to get them to talk about the deep things that they would never trust other adults with.

I start cooking and weary women feel like they can rest because someone is taking the time to serve them in love.

I start cooking and my husband feels like he can be vulnerable about life challenges, and becomes communicative about both his strengths and weaknesses. I can then help challenge or encourage him.

I had a good friend who also has a senior in high school tell me recently that when the kids move out, all I would have to do is send a text to her kids and mine and tell them “I’m cooking tonight”, and they will come…so she’s not worried about not seeing the kids after they grow up.

My son constantly tells me, “Mom, you need to open a restaurant or a food truck. Do you know how many people would rush to you?”

My husband can’t believe that there was ever a time that I did not cook because I hated it so much.

I’m in a season where I’m having to baby my body a little bit as I learn to work with it, and teach it to heal again. Sometimes, I get frustrated because I can’t be out “saving the world” like I so badly want to. God told me that He is working something greater than I could imagine through this season; yet, I’ve had moments of anger towards God because I’ve felt useless to Him (exacerbated by well-meaning people that tried to “minister” to me and “pray” for me).

But, seeing my nephew, my children, and my husband around the table last night…enjoying a family meal after a long day, in the middle of a busy week, connecting during new and possibly confusing times…shifted my perspective quite a bit.

I may not be out doing large scale ministry…yet. I may not have my internationally scaled business…yet. However, I am still turning what I do have over to the Lord, allowing Him to bring the people to me that He wants to touch through what could be the most mundane acts of life.

I finally understand what He means when He says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”

The Lord took something I LOATHED and turned into one of my greatest skills through a Friend who taught me how to LOVE by creating a safe place in my home for anyone who may be weary, translating an act of survival into an intentional act of service.

God is also using my season of weakness to help people in ways that “normal ministry” can’t touch.

He’s teaching me that illness is not a write off, that there are times that illness is His grace in action.

My gift to you today is this question of reflection…what weakness in your life is God using to perfect His power?